Tuco Benedicto Pacífico Juan María Ramírez (en_ki) wrote,
Tuco Benedicto Pacífico Juan María Ramírez

Best Chick Tract Evar. A powerful metaphor for Chickian Christianity, it proceeds as follows:

While we, humanity, ("John") were in the cramped and scary jungle of Eden, we were bitten by a... bug? Snake, I guess. The bite infected us with sin, which is like Ebola, but fortunately we caught the non-contagious strain of sin, and all the people other than "John" (aliens?) are not at risk. Doctor #1 (God) expels us from Eden for treatment, putting us on a plane (DC-8?) to America (Earth?) for treatment (life?).

In the hospital, our mother offers Doctor #2 (also God) $3000 to treat us so we can take care of her in her old age. After liquidating his substantial portfolio, Doctor #2 flies to Switzerland (R'lyeh?) and spends "six figures" (1-7 shares of BRK.A) to buy the only possible medicine on his own dime—apparently the episode in which Beelzebub, our health insurer's actuary, denies care was removed because of space constraints. On his way back from Switzerland, Dr. God and his son Jesús are driving too fast down the highway and get into a car accident, and Jesús (Jesus) is killed, while God is saved by the airbag.

Meanwhile, hospital janitor Marcus Junius Brutus has hinted vaguely that Dr. God is not to be trusted. We feel like we've gotten over the ebola, so we trick God into bringing the medicine close so we can smash it and laugh at him. What jerks we are! God is very sad as we turn into a bubbling mass of ick. Good thing it's not contagious, or the aliens would be pretty sick too.

Also cut for space constraints: the part where Jesús shambles back from the dead to tell us to take the medicine and give him brains. In his absence, it seems pretty reasonable to scheme to trick a doctor who is bringing you medicine into letting you destroy it. After all, you feel pretty good, right? and that really suspicious-looking janitor hinted that the doctor might not be very good. In conclusion, Heaven is a land of contrasts.
Tags: bibulous

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