It is with grave regret that I must announce a breakdown in talks with our neighbors to the south. Late last night, intelligence reports from within the Menino junta indicated that Bostonian diplomats were not negotiating in good faith, but rather stalling for time to build up their city's forces for a treacherous sneak attack to seize key assets in Assembly Square and strategic Prospect Hill, passing along McGrath Highway and Prospect Street in flagrant disregard of Cantabrigian neutrality.
In order to preempt this imminent invasion, Somerville troops have seized and destroyed the Tobin and Zakim bridges, and have occupied and shut down the Sumner, Callahan, and Ted Williams tunnels. In addition, in order to relieve the beleaguered ethnic Somervillian populations of Charlestown and so-called "East Boston", we have stationed troops on Bunker Hill and annexed all territory south of the Mystic River and Chelsea Creek and north of the Charles River, extending eastward to the borders with Winthrop and Revere.
Rumors of an invasion of Cambridge are laughably exaggerated: we have merely provided assistance in securing her borders, particularly all bridges crossing the Charles, since her own forces were not adequate to the task. Regrettably, trade between Boston and Cambridge will be sharply curtailed until amicable relations are re-established, and travelers seeking to enter or leave Boston are advised that it is not currently possible to do so from Dilboy (formerly Logan) International Airport.
Operations are ongoing to quell incursions by suspected Medfordist guerillas into the Somerville Hillside region, apparently hoping to take advantage of our conflicts elsewhere. We have regained control of Route 16, and at this point we believe the insurgents are entirely contained on the Tufts campus and will be wiped out in a matter of days. Under the terms of our treaty with the provisional government of Medford, any Medfordite forces crossing the Mystic River are by presumption unlawful combatants, and thus will be dealt with summarily.
At this point, we wish to counsel Boston to accept her losses and move on. Our intentions are and always have been peaceful; we seek merely to maintain secure, defensible borders, access to ocean and air port facilities, and safety and equal rights for our fellow Somervillians in neighboring areas. Having reached these goals, we are content to trade in peace and justice with our neighbors on all sides.
Greater Somerville Abides,
Secretary-General of the Somerville Urban Workers' Party and Special Assistant To The Mayor
[Further updates may be found in gr_somerville. The homecity needs you!]