May 1st, 2010


Somerville To Invade Cambridge; Water Rights At Issue

SEVEN PINES, SOM. -- In scenes that bring to memory the successful annexation of Medford two years ago, Greater Somerville forces are reportedly massing near the Cambridge border today in what sources say is preparation for an invasion. The conflict is only the latest flare-up in an age-old dispute over access to the Fresh Pond reservoir, the largest body of potable water convenient to Davis Square, which was surrounded by Cambridge forces at the time of the 1892 ceasefire that ended the Ice Wars and has largely been held by them since that time.

Exacerbating the conflict is the breakdown of what had hitherto been Greater Somerville's principal water supply, the MetroWest Tunnel, which carries water from what was once the towns of Dana, Enfield, Greenwich, and Prescott. The chief of Somerville's ruling junta, the Most Reverend Generalissimo Curtatone, blamed Cantabrigian nationalists for this cowardly and unprovoked sabotage of Somerville's water system, vowing retribution and the retaliatory annexation of, in addition to the disputed reservoir itself, the rich and fertile lands of the Fresh Pond reservation and the connecting Danehy Park, the key commercial and transportation nexus at Alewife, and the adjoining sections of MA Rtes. 2 and 16.

Residents of North Cambridge, said to be disappointed with the anemic output of their recent open studios and envious of the freedom and geometrical insight of their neighbors to the north, can already be seen raising Somerville flags over their homes and singing Somerville's city anthem "Municipal Freedom Gives National Strength" in preparation for what is expected to be a swift and bloodless advance along Rindge Ave, Cedar St, and Sherman St and then directly to the Belmont and Arlington borders, where volunteers and neutral observers have taken up watch to ensure that propriety is maintained even in these times of trouble. Diplomatic sources are cautiously optimistic that this action will bring peace to the southern Middlesex region after an extended period of tensions that has resulted in much inconvenience and social awkwardness.