June 15th, 2008


(no subject)

Tonight we watched "Swordfish", courtesy of Netflix. For your viewing convience, please see the following guest capsule.

Last time we saw Vincent Vega, he was bleeding out on the floor after Officer John McClane perforated him with an Uzi. Fortunately, his OT VII powers narrowly saved him from death, but the tramatic experience led him to convert to Judaism and make Aliyah in order to face the gun that almost wasted him. To balance out Afro Samurai's decision to turn to the Light Side after the fateful diner robbery and become Mace Windu, he resolves to become evil, taking a job with the Psychlos under the assumed name "Terl".

Meanwhile, Wolverine tried to be Neo but failed, so he went to jail and lost custody of his daughter to Adriana La Cerva and Larry Flynt. Now he is living like "Bill" Caine's brother Budd (Vincent's cousin, AKA "Toothpick Vic") in a trailer by an oil rig, but he is out of rock salt, so Storm is able to walk right into his house and sexy him into working for Terl without so much as a Hattori Hanzo sword.

Terl works as a film critic, but he can't afford an office, so he has to sit at Starbucks all day, which at least is convenient to the bank. His girlfriend Storm helps him out by hiring whores to fellate computer nerds who have guns to their heads so that they can type things for him as fast as possible. His boss, Chuck Yeager, wants him to steal $9 billion from the bank (after all, it's not that far out of his way), so he starts to do it; but Chuck Yeager changes his mind because he sees Storm around, so Terl flips out and kills him, as you do.

Anyway, despite some really incompetent Skycrane piloting and Bullet-Tooth Tony's threats to sodomize people with an RPG-7, Wolverine hacks into the internet and saves Hermione, but when he blows up Terl it isn't really Terl, it's a RealDoll that he was keeping in his wine fridge, so Terl and Storm get to gamble in Europe and kill Osama Bin Laden's number 3 man every day for ever. The End.
—Billy, age 10.

To this I can only add: Thomas Jefferson once shot a man in Washington, just to watch him die; and that's OK.